Monday, 12 April 2010

Out on the wily, windy moors...

Top 10 results show: Tx Sunday 11th April

Graham welcomes us to the results show, and then without further ado we are into the opening number where the girls swish their skirts and gurn and introduce themselves to us while singing 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead'. They scurry off stage and then Graham introduces "straight-talking" (read: AWESOME) Sheila, John, Charlotte and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Oh dear, here we go. VT from the crazy Toto auditions with mad people and their dogs. Oh, it's not going to be yet. First we must have a recap of last night. Which I am not going to recap in any kind of detail - Steve told you perfectly beautifully what happened - but there is additional backstage horror. Sophie cried after her comments; Jessica pretended to be humble; Bronte hopes she will be here next week (fate well and truly tempted - oops, spoilers); Dani is happy that Charlotte ate her words; Steph feels awesome (fnar); Jenny was happy that Lloyd Webber thought she was pitch-perfect; Danielle is a bit tearful about all the nice comments; Lauren couldn't decide what accent she wanted to sing in, but reassures us that she's not arrogant; Emilie was FUCK AWFUL but got good comments from John so was over the moon; and Stephanie says she worked hard and it paid off. Then they sang You Can't Stop The Beat from Hairspray (WHICH IS DEAD) and everyone clapped.

Andrew says that the standard is incredibly high, and reminds us that everything is live: the singing, the music, everything. EVERYTHING EXCEPT THIS SHOW, LLOYD WEBBER. He has no clue who's going to win. I should hope not. Everyone laughs at Charlotte dressed as Dorothy many years ago, and she is sad that she could not audition. Graham tells her to sneak in during the semi-finals and not to waste her time with these early rounds. Ouch.

Graham lies that the girls are now going to sing a "mash-up", which yet again turns out to be one song, and then another one - in this case The Money Song from Cabaret, and Madonna's Material Girl. I was in the kitchen listening to this, and strangely I could always tell when Emilie was singing because she is the one who is never ever ever in tune. [Well, if nothing else, at least she's consistent. - Steve]

Oh no no no. Here is the search for Toto, complete with excruciating dog-related puns. People who call themselves "Mummy" and "Daddy" with reference to their pets need to be slapped. As do people who think their pets have star quality. Freakazoids. Also needing to be slapped? Little children who clearly want to be on stage themselves. [You're going to have very sore hands by the time we've found our Toto. - Steve] And also people who are "stage and screen dog trainers" like that is a real job. Jodie turns up and makes jokes at bald men. There are some very cute dogs there, to be fair. Jodie cries at some, for some reason. Maybe she misses her dogs. I miss mine. [Me too. Although mine IS DEAD, and has been for many years. - Steve]

Graham talks to Steph, who says it was horrible being in the bottom two (o rly?) and hopes she did enough this week. Stephanie says she is over the moon but hopes she is not sitting on it later. Heh. Sophie hopes she can turn John around (fnar!).

Ooh, Mission Time. Sheila gives the girls 48 hours to learn a scene from The Wizard Of Oz, the one where the scarecrow starts to talk. She wants to see fear and compassion among other emotions. The girls say various things. I increasingly like Steph; Jessica is punchable; some of the girls have very odd ideas as to what an American accent might sound like. Sheila admires Lauren but fears too much gloss. Bronte does a cute thing where she wipes her hand on her skirt before shaking hands with the scarecrow. [I really liked that! Not that it's going to matter in about ten minutes, oops spoilers. - Steve] Sophie and Dani forget their lines and look horrified with themselves, and Sheila reiterates as if she needed to that learning lines is Very Important. Then she says that some of the girls are doing what is expected and if she was directing it she would BURN them. She liked Danielle, Emilie, Bronte and Jenny but in different ways (Bronte has funny little legs, apparently; Danielle has solemnity and grace).

Now another musical number - Judy Garland's Get Happy, complete with cane-based dance routine. The same statement as before re who is in tune and is not remains the case. Lloyd Webber doesn't want to single anyone out, so he doesn't. The Dorothys have no such reservations, and happily play Steve's patented game of Who Is The Bitch That You Hate? [Yay! - Steve] Except most of them opt for Steph on the basis that she was bottom two last week. You DULLARDS. [Boo! - Steve] The panel won't pull their punches - Sheila says Sophie is not Dorothy; John says Jessica; Charlotte says Emilie.

Time for the results. Through to next week are - Stephanie; Jessica; Jenny; but NOT Bronte, who is in the bottom two (and as I watch these girls fall apart on national television I am reminded just how young most of them are); Dani; Sophie; Steph. Danielle, Emilie and Lauren all step forward - two of them are safe, one is in the sing-off - and as they take their places in the line, Lauren shoves Danielle along out of her space. Oh, Lauren. And given your editing yesterday and your misjudged comments, that is why it is you who is singing off tonight. If it were down to viewer votes, Bronte would be out of the competition.

Andrew Lloyd Webber says these two girls were in his top five, so it comes down to how they interpret the song, What I Did For Love from A Chorus Line, which he informs us is about love and love for the theatre. They sing; Lloyd Webber cogitates. He is gutted, and tells them they are fantastically talented girls who will go a long, long way. He claims that this is the first time he has not known what to decide, but opts for experience and saves Lauren. Bronte looks like her puppy has been shot. Lloyd Webber says many nice things and tells her to keep in touch with him and the panel. Bronte, to her immense credit, is holding it together pretty well despite being obviously upset.

Time for that sadistic farewell number as the girls weep their way over the stage and Bronte gives Lauren her shoes. I do love the way Steph looks delighted in a childish way when the crescent moon begins to rise, like she's really excited that her friend is flying. Bronte struggles on the high notes thanks to tears, but she has been a credit to herself. Well done her.

Join us next week for more teenage girls' dreams being crushed, and crazy people with their dogs!

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