Monday, 5 April 2010

Colour blind. And deaf

First live show
Tx 3rd April 2010

And welcome to the first live show of the search for Dorothy. Who will progress? Who will Lloyd Webber take against for no reason whatsoever apart from not being a sidegobbed Irish pirate? More to the point, who will our wildcard be? Time to find out! Last week, the girls had a go at a musical theatre song (well, some did; others sang a song from We Will Rock You) which was helpful, and then a pop song in the style of a girl band which was not so much. Tough decisions were made. Ten girls went through. Lots of others didn't. We got to save one, but who is it? Come on, tell us! Tell us! Tell. Us. Oh, either way, all those who went through want to win.

Titles!

Ah, the girls have got their colours assigned. Here is Graham, waving to us and welcoming us to the show. Bloody hell, what the hell is this waistcoat about? It looks like a Jackson Pollock painting in fabric form.

The girls are singing That Merry Old Land Of Oz; Graham hams up blowing a trombone. Blimey O'Reilly, the girls' gingham frocks are see-through over the bosom area. That's a bit risque. [They're also squashing the girls' breasts into very uncomfortable-looking shapes. - Steve]

Graham explains the rules of the competition, which are exactly the same as they have been through the previous three series. So let's welcome our panel: Sheila, John and Charlotte. Ah, yes, and Lloyd Webber is there too: cue scary Phantom music. He is excited about the high standards of the contestants. Incidentally, Charlotte looks like she is wearing a bondage outfit.

Time to find out a bit more about our contestants. Stephanie is from Liverpool. She is yellow (her dress is. You know what I mean), and was a disgustingly precocious Shirley Temple-alike child. Her parents are proud of her.

Lauren is red. She is loud, and not normal. Her mum is her biggest critic, and I fear she is a pushy stage mother. She moved to London to "be where the work is". I hate her already.

Stephanie is singing 'Mama Do'. Her mouth is strange, and she seems to have problems walking down the stairs in heels, which is fair enough because I can't do it either, but then again I'm not on national television. Her high notes are not good.

Lauren is singing 'Run'. She is opting to stand still while singing, which is probably wise if it means she avoids the stairs. She acts it very oddly; she seems to be angry about something. There is a huge, pointless key change.

Stephanie says she is feeling pressure, being the first out, but then she was excited, and she shoehorns in a thank you to the band. Lauren says she is "living Dorothy", as is everyone. John says he thinks both were leading lady performances, and singles out Stephanie who is an entertainer. He calls Lauren a diva. Charlotte says more nice things. Sheila reckons either could join her on stage in Sister Act, but she's going to bang on about interpretation because we don't care about pop music or pop singers; we want musical theatre. Quite right, Sheila. She mocks "pop sounds", which are the generic oohs and aahs and yelps that affected singers force in. She also says that Lauren is dead behind the eyes, pretty much. Andrew says something pointless about their ages.

Dani is green. She is 16 and likes drawing and writing poetry, but the theatre is her favourite place to be. She seems to fancy herself as an intellectual but she can't use the washing machine.

Steph is...yellow too. That won't get confusing at all. She works in a bar, and is clearly being set up as a party animal good-time girl.

Dani is singing 'Ego'. She has a sidegob. I am adding her to my List. Also, this song sucks. This girl seems very sweet and I think she will have a lovely voice in about 10 years' time but at the moment she is just not strong enough.

Steph is singing 'I Just Can't Stop Loving You'. She keeps straying flat, but her tone is gorgeous. Also, she can walk down the stairs and sing at the same time. Quite a gift.

Graham asks Dani if she thinks that she has an advantage because she is 16, the same age as Judy Garland was when she made the movie. That is possibly the most ridiculous question anybody has ever asked anyone. Dani concurs that she is indeed 16 and says that she feels like Dorothy because she is at college and wants to get out, like Dorothy wanted to get out of the farm. Steph says that she and the other older ones are mummying the younger ones, who can't cook chicken. Charlotte thinks Dani struggles vocally, and that Steph is brilliant. Sheila was convinced by both performances, and calls Dani out on the sidegob. Unfortunately, in giving her feedback to Steph, she reveals that she seems to be under the impression that Michael Jackson is not dead. Nobody tell her. It'll break her heart. She urges Steph to bring more colours to her performance. John also admires Steph's walking downstairs in heels abilities. He thinks Dani struggled too. She looks like she is about to cry. Lloyd Webber thinks Steph's instincts are towards the big power ballad, and thus she probably would not make a very good Dorothy. Dani, on the other hand, could be a good Dorothy, even though she was shit.

Toto interlude. Jodie's make-up looks really odd. Like she's done stage make-up, forgetting she's on telly.

Back to the wildcard Dorothys. Who will it be? Time for a VT. Tegan thinks she should have been one of the ten. Well, you weren't. So fuck off. The girls are called to Sydmonton, where Lloyd Webber will deliver the news. Stupid teenage girls say stupid things, over-emphasizing the importance of this television show to their lives. And...the public have sent through Emilie - that's the one with the big gap in her teeth. She says whiny things at Graham. Her hair is nice, though.

Amy Diamond is a lilacy colour. She would make him a good Elle Woods, wouldn't she? She likes dogs too. She says something about Dorothy being a glamour girl. Which is...really not true in any way, shape or form. She warns us that if we think she is just hair and make-up, we shouldn't be underestimating her.

Danielle is red. Another one? In a little VT, she says she's 17, she lives with her mum, and that is all she could think of to say about herself. "Who am I?" she demands rhetorically. And there we see the problems of letting teenagers on television. She says she is risking a lot to do this competition. No, you're really not, little girl. All you're doing is delaying your A-levels. Hardly a matter of life and death.

Amy looks older than 22. She sings 'Big Girls Don't Cry'. Not THAT one; the one by Fergie. It's a bit blah.

Danielle has some terrible breathing. She sings 'Red'. And does some acting.

Oh God, I don't think I can recap this for a whole series. They're all so bloody vapid. Amy talks about her dog. Danielle talks about family. Sheila think Amy is too flirtatious and girly to be Dorothy. Also, slutty. She tries to do a quick masterclass in acting for Danielle. John tells Amy to stop being so MTV. He thinks Danielle is limited in her voice too. Charlotte wants less falseness from Amy, and better vocals from Danielle. Andrew also thinks Amy would be fantastic in Legally Blonde. I don't want to agree with Andrew Lloyd Webber. It worries me.

Emilie thinks she should be happy, dotty Dorothy. She seems to be a jade green colour. She sings 'Breakaway'. Really, really, really badly. [She was shit in both of her performances last week too. I'm sensing a theme. - Steve] She can't pitch her low notes properly, and her high notes are weak. Charlotte wonders if Emilie has lost her self-confidence, because her vocal control was shit. Sheila didn't want Emilie to go in the first place, but rejections are part of business. John wanted some personality in the performance but did not get any. Lloyd Webber's teenage daughter voted for Emilie on his phone, which is possibly against BBC regulations. He thinks she looks like a Dorothy. Not his daughter, Emilie, I mean. Shame she can't sing, then, isn't it?

Bronte is pink. Her mum is proud of her. Shocker. She thinks musical theatre is her calling. Let's take a moment to laugh at her, please.

Jessica is green as well. Ah, this is the one that has a poor family who cannot afford stage school. She wants to put Middlesbrough on the map, the patronising stuck-up bint.

Bronte is singing 'I Can't Make You Love Me'. She does have a nice voice, to be fair to her. The stupid audience cannot manage to tell when a song finishes.

Jessica is doing a brilliantly inappropriate version of 'Rehab', complete with chair choreography. And in a weird key.

Being Dorothy means everything to both of them, of course. John thinks both of them make the best of what they have, which is not very much. Charlotte thinks Bronte has a beautiful voice, but Jessica has not although she can act better. Sheila thinks that both could have done more with their lyrics. Lloyd Webber thinks Bronte has sad eyes and wants her to give more of herself. He likes Jessica's wit. Whatever. Jessica looks like a giant next to Bronte, by the way.

Sophie is from Tonypandy so she thinks she can be Dorothy because that is also a small town. She is purple. Her grandad gets emotional at the thought of losing her. It's all right, grandad, it's only That London; they're not going to kill her. Unless she's really hideously bad, of course.

Jenny is from Scotland, and reckons Scottish girls are crazy. She seems to be a cerisey kind of colour. She talks about how much he loves her mum and agrees that there is no place like home. Lame, lame, lame.

Sophie sings 'If I Were A Boy'. She does too much pointing. Jenny sings 'So What'. She also does a lot of pointing, but she has a chair as well. Rock and roll.

Charlotte thinks Sophie struggled somewhat on the higher notes. Sheila loves Jenny's wit but suggests more variety in her performance. She thinks that Sophie did serious beautifully. John says that Jenny knocked it out the park, and invokes nationalist sentiment. Oh, John. There's time for you to go on my List too, you know. Lloyd Webber also thinks Jenny was fantastic.

Andrew is worried that the wrong two might end up in the bottom two. Graham congratulates all the girls. Quick preview of the Dorothy task - there is mucking out on a farm while the farmer mocks them.

The lines are open, everyone. Give the BBC your money. Recap of the least flattering parts of the girls' performances, and that's that! Join Steve for the results later!

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